Prepare yourself people, we’re speaking the truth. As I’m sure you’ve heard, parenting is AMAZING… but also a bit bat shit crazy. There are moments of beauty followed DIRECTLY by moments that make me go, “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?” Aside for having to tame my wild beast of a child every day, I also have to deal with work, maintain my friendships and (try to) keep a household. Am I the only one going nuts here? Throughout the day, I probably think of a million random, crazy, funny-bordering-on-inappropriate or exhausting things in my head, but dare I say them out loud!? YES… I dare. There are just some things that need to be said, judgments be damned, so all us Mamas know we’re not alone in this intense world called parenting. So all you thin-skinned, truth shaming son’s of guns better stop reading now, because below are 10 things no mother is supposed to admit… until now.
- I could knock her out. Let’s get the elephant outta the room shall we? Disclaimer (so I don’t have my daughter taken away from me): I DO NOT CONDONE child abuse in any way, shape or form. BUT let’s be honest… I could HYPOTHETICALLY punch my kid in the face at least twice a day. Have I ever done it? OF COURSE NOT. Would I ever do it? NEVER IN MY LIFE. But could I actually envision knocking her out after the 18th time she’s bitten me that day, thrown her food on the ground or peed on a pile of clothes??? YEP, damn skippy. If, as a parent, you have never thought just for 2 seconds about knocking your kid out, then you’re lying. It’s not heartwarming, it does make you feel like a monster and you do hate yourself for a moment, but (supposing) it’s only a thought and never put into action… you my friend, are NORMAL. Go scream into your pillow and get it outta yo’ system.
- I don’t really care about breastfeeding… one way or another. I didn’t breastfeed because I couldn’t, but truth be told, I was slightly relieved. I know this sounds horribly selfish, but I’m glad I didn’t have a baby attached to my breast at all times, because running a business and being a new mom was already hard and tiring enough. Maybe if I could have physically done it, I would be singing a whole other tune and I applaud the women that are able to make it work while working or running a household, but for me it just wasn’t a deal breaker. If I could, I would, I couldn’t so I didn’t. No big deal, grab the formula and let’s rock and roll. Hell, I wasn’t breastfed and I happen to think I’m pretty awesome.
- I let my kid skip bathing/ brushing teeth to avoid fits. Blah, blah, blah, I know hygiene is important, but so is my sanity. I said I let my kid SKIP, not completely omit, and if my daughter going to bed without a bath means avoiding a meltdown then I say: WINNING! Have you seen The Walking Dead? That kid NEVER gets a solid washing and he’s as badass as they come- she’ll thank me later, I’ll thank myself now.
- Tame your damn kids. Yes you, the mother letting her kids run all over the restaurant… get your kids in check. I know no one wants to say it, and every mother is only “doing as best as they can do,” but if little Sally is in a particular “rules be damned mood” that night, how about you keep her at home and let her eat a grilled cheese for dinner? I don’t need my kid seeing your little monster running all around while I’m trying to explain to my own tiny terrorist that she must at least ACT as if I am a little in control of my chaos. Get your kid off the table or gracefully bow out and go home. Sorry, not sorry.
- There are some days that I wish I could tune out my daughter, lay on the couch and watch Scandal all day long. I do genuinely enjoy time with my daughter, who is quickly becoming a funny, little spitfire, but SOME days the endless questions, too much Dora the Explorer or needing to be all up in my grill would be sooo much better spent alone and binge-watching TV… with a cup of coffee… ok, bottle of wine. I said no judgements.
- I will bribe my kid into submission all day every day. Oh yes, this is a real line of defense in my home. If my daughter wakes up already in a sour mood and I haven’t even had time to open my second eye lid, I will move directly towards “cookies for quiet time.” Thankfully, unlike me who inhales my food, she is an EXTREMELY slow eater, so one cookie gets me enough time to make the coffee. The second cookie buys me time to drink my coffee and if I’m lucky, I can break a third cookie in half (did you really think I’d give my daughter 3 WHOLE COOKIES before 8am?? C’mon I’m a good mom!) to buy myself just enough time to pee with the door closed. OH SWEET BRIBERY, YOU SAVE ME TIME AND TIME AGAIN!
- Have your people call my people, because I’m going to sleep. Oh, sweet partner of mine, I’ve been sleeping for 2 hours but NOW you’re crawling into bed trying to wake me up to get some lovin’? Too bad, too sad my friend. After waking with our child, feeding her, bathing her, entertaining her, caring for the dog, cleaning the house and attempting to look like a human (that cares) most of the day, I go to sleep early for a reason… I AM FREAKING TIRED. You want some sugar? Then make your move earlier, after the kid’s asleep and before my third cup of the coffee of the day has worn off. It’s called strategic planning my dear. Love you though, really.
- I love to see my single girlfriends, but… I really have no desire to go get drunk, party and listen to you complain about your new flavor of the week. OUCH… I know that one probably stings. Listen, it’s not that I don’t love you ladies, but let’s sit down for some coffee or lunch. Make some dinner and drink some wine? I know you want to go get trashed, but my life is well… different now. And not to add salt to the wound, but I chase a toddler around all day who yells at me, throws things and spits her juice out… your questionable judgment in perpetual losers and random sex only makes me want to crawl into a hole more. Let’s be adults and talk about real things. Again, love you though, really.
- If I do go out, and get tipsy, I am still a mom and will talk about my daughter all night long. I’m not saying I like it, but it’s a fact. Let’s say you actually do convince me to shower, put a bra on and go out on the town, I will be the annoying mom who can’t stop talking about my kid all night. Oh how life has changed my friends. Now, instead of waking up after a night out, worrying about drunken texts or stupid actions, I wake up KNOWING I embarrassed myself by going on and on all night long about “my daughter, the love of my life.” Geez, get it together, right?
- I was less of a person before my child. But my biggest admission? If I hadn’t already blurted it out, tears forming in my eyes while buzzed on too much tequila, then it is this: I would not be the person I am today without my child. I don’t know who I even was before motherhood and could never contemplate a life where my entire world didn’t exist around 1 tiny, crazy, terrorist-esque, beautiful creature. Sure, there are days that I daydream about jumping ship. Days spent envisioning my life single and free to travel the world, staying in little loft style apartments, sustaining myself on bread, chocolate and wine, but that is a life for someone else. For me, my biggest secret is that I would take all the dirty clothes, poop diapers, thrown food, bitten thighs, ear piercing screams, endless nights, early mornings, tears and moments of mind boggling exhaustion for 4 simple words… ‘I love you Mama.’
WHEW, I feel better!
Do You Have a Jungle Princess? 