Judgments Be Damned… 10 REAL Things Every Mama Thinks But Shouldn’t Say Out Loud!

Prepare yourself people, we’re speaking the truth.  As I’m sure you’ve heard, parenting is AMAZING… but also a bit bat shit crazy.  There are moments of beauty followed DIRECTLY by moments that make me go, “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?”  Aside for having to tame my wild beast of a child every day, I also have to deal with work, maintain my friendships and (try to) keep a household. Am I the only one going nuts here? Throughout the day, I probably think of a million random, crazy, funny-bordering-on-inappropriate or exhausting things in my head, but dare I say them out loud!?  YES… I dare.  There are just some things that need to be said, judgments be damned, so all us Mamas know we’re not alone in this intense world called parenting.  So all you thin-skinned, truth shaming son’s of guns better stop reading now, because below are 10 things no mother is supposed to admit… until now.

1. I could knock her out. Let’s get the elephant outta the room shall we?  Disclaimer (so I don’t have my daughter taken away from me): I DO NOT CONDONE child abuse in any way, shape or form.  BUT let’s be honest… I could HYPOTHETICALLY punch my kid in the face at least twice a day.  Have I ever done it?  OF COURSE NOT.  Would I ever do it?  NEVER IN MY LIFE.  But could I actually envision knocking her out after the 18th time she’s bitten me that day, thrown her food on the ground or peed on a pile of clothes??? YEP, damn skippy.  If, as a parent, you have never thought just for 2 seconds about knocking your kid out, then you’re lying.  It’s not heartwarming, it does make you feel like a monster and you do hate yourself for a moment, but (supposing) it’s only a thought and never put into action… you my friend, are NORMAL.  Go scream into your pillow and get it outta yo’ system.

2. I don’t really care about breastfeeding… one way or another.  I didn’t breastfeed because I couldn’t, but truth be told, I was slightly relieved.  I know this sounds horribly selfish, but I’m glad I didn’t have a baby attached to my breast at all times, because running a business and being a new mom was already hard and tiring enough.  Maybe if I could have physically done it, I would be singing a whole other tune and I applaud the women that are able to make it work while working or running a household, but for me it just wasn’t a deal breaker.  If I could, I would, I couldn’t so I didn’t.  No big deal, grab the formula and let’s rock and roll.  Hell, I wasn’t breastfed and I happen to think I’m pretty awesome.

3.  I let my kid skip bathing/ brushing teeth to avoid fits.  Blah, blah, blah, I know hygiene is important, but so is my sanity.  I said I let my kid SKIP, not completely omit, and if my daughter going to bed without a bath means avoiding a meltdown then I say: WINNING!  Have you seen The Walking Dead?  That kid NEVER gets a solid washing and he’s as badass as they come- she’ll thank me later, I’ll thank myself now.

4. Tame your damn kids.  Yes you, the mother letting her kids run all over the restaurant… get your kids in check.  I know no one wants to say it, and every mother is only “doing as best as they can do,” but if little Sally is in a particular “rules be damned mood” that night, how about you keep her at home and let her eat a grilled cheese for dinner?  I don’t need my kid seeing your little monster running all around while I’m trying to explain to my own tiny terrorist that she must at least ACT as if I am a little in control of my chaos.  Get your kid off the table or gracefully bow out and go home.  Sorry, not sorry.

5. There are some days that I wish I could tune out my daughter, lay on the couch and watch Scandal all day long.  I do genuinely enjoy time with my daughter, who is quickly becoming a funny, little spitfire, but SOME days the endless questions, too much Dora the Explorer or needing to be all up in my grill would be sooo much better spent alone and binge-watching TV… with a cup of coffee… ok, bottle of wine.  I said no judgements.

6. I will bribe my kid into submission all day every day.  Oh yes, this is a real line of defense in my home.  If my daughter wakes up already in a sour mood and I haven’t even had time to open my second eye lid, I will move directly towards “cookies for quiet time.”  Thankfully, unlike me who inhales my food, she is an EXTREMELY slow eater, so one cookie gets me enough time to make the coffee.  The second cookie buys me time to drink my coffee and if I’m lucky, I can break a third cookie in half (did you really think I’d give my daughter 3 WHOLE COOKIES before 8am?? C’mon I’m a good mom!) to buy myself just enough time to pee with the door closed.  OH SWEET BRIBERY, YOU SAVE ME TIME AND TIME AGAIN!

7. Have your people call my people, because I’m going to sleep. Oh, sweet partner of mine, I’ve been sleeping for 2 hours but NOW you’re crawling into bed trying to wake me up to get some lovin’?  Too bad, too sad my friend.  After waking with our child, feeding her, bathing her, entertaining her, caring for the dog, cleaning the house and attempting to look like a human (that cares) most of the day, I go to sleep early for a reason… I AM FREAKING TIRED.  You want some sugar?  Then make your move earlier, after the kid’s asleep and before my third cup of the coffee of the day has worn off.  It’s called strategic planning my dear.  Love you though, really.

8. I love to see my single girlfriends, but… I really have no desire to go get drunk, party and listen to you complain about your new flavor of the week.  OUCH… I know that one probably stings.  Listen, it’s not that I don’t love you ladies, but let’s sit down for some coffee or lunch.  Make some dinner and drink some wine?  I know you want to go get trashed, but my life is well… different now.  And not to add salt to the wound, but I chase a toddler around all day who yells at me, throws things and spits her juice out… your questionable judgment in perpetual losers and random sex only makes me want to crawl into a hole more.  Let’s be adults and talk about real things.  Again, love you though, really.

9. If I do go out, and get tipsy, I am still a mom and will talk about my daughter all night long.  I’m not saying I like it, but it’s a fact.  Let’s say you actually do convince me to shower, put a bra on and go out on the town, I will be the annoying mom who can’t stop talking about my kid all night.  Oh how life has changed my friends.  Now, instead of waking up after a night out, worrying about drunken texts or stupid actions, I wake up KNOWING I embarrassed myself by going on and on all night long about “my daughter, the love of my life.”  Geez, get it together, right?

10.  I was less of a person before my child. But my biggest admission?  If I hadn’t already blurted it out, tears forming in my eyes while buzzed on too much tequila, then it is this:  I would not be the person I am today without my child.  I don’t know who I even was before motherhood and could never contemplate a life where my entire world didn’t exist around 1 tiny, crazy, terrorist-esque, beautiful creature.  Sure, there are days that I daydream about jumping ship.  Days spent envisioning my life single and free to travel the world, staying in little loft style apartments, sustaining myself on bread, chocolate and wine, but that is a life for someone else.  For me, my biggest secret is that I would take all the dirty clothes, poop diapers, thrown food, bitten thighs, ear piercing screams, endless nights, early mornings, tears and moments of mind boggling exhaustion for 4 simple words… ‘I love you Mama.’

 

WHEW, I feel better!

10 Truths About Friendships That Kids Can Teach Adults

My mom always said you should never have to put more into a relationship than 60/40 to make it work. At times, you will be the 60 and at others, your friends will be the 60, but if a relationship… of any kind… becomes more giving than balancing, than it is probably not worth your energy in the long run. 10 years ago that made sense and it still rings true today. Friendships, especially as adults with families, careers, making ends meet, yada yada yada are hard to maintain, let alone keep. True friends, of course, get that your friendship will ebb and flow, moving with the current in life, but always in the right direction. But still, at the end of the day, friendships though important and sacred, can be down right exhausting.

Until that is, I started watching… not keeping my eye on… but REALLY watching my daughter’s interactions with her friends. Slowly but surely I began to see a pattern- a simple approach to friendship. An innocent, honest, raw and EASY happiness in the children, both on their faces and in their actions. Day after day, I think about all of the “things” we need to teach our children: manners, ABC’s, numbers, etc… but the more I am surrounded by these tiny, beautiful, wacky people, the more I realize I am learning from them.

Here are 10 truths that I was reminded of by watching my daughter and her tiny people posse:

Friends Come in ALL Shapes, Colors and Sizes

Living in a town as culturally diverse as Puerto Viejo, we often find ourselves rubbing elbows with parents and children from around the world.  Just in my daughter’s class alone there are kids from Switzerland, France, America, Canada, Italy and of course Costa Rica.  To them, they are just kids; some with brown hair, some with blonde, some with dark skin, some with light skin.  Age, race, shape and more doesn’t even come into play (pun intended) when these kids get together.  Adults should learn to look through a kaleidoscope-esque lens more often, seeing people for WHO they are, not what they are or where they come from.  Adults could benefit incredibly by the innocent acceptance of people that children so beautifully and easily possess.

Find Someone You Can Be Yourself With

One of the most important things about having friends is the opportunity to just be yourself.  A true treasure in life is finding that person or group of people who allow you to be exactly who you are without hesitation.  Find someone, in every relationship you enter, that loves you for you and not someone they WANT you to be.

Find Someone You Can Be Silly With

Hopefully, you have a circle of friends like this, but if not, I sincerely hope you start making some. Happiness comes in spades when you are surrounded by people who enjoy being silly and letting loose.  Watch children who spin in circles together just to fall down and laugh and you’ll see the allure… having fun + not caring who’s watching = pure joy.

Sharing is Caring

This may seem rudimentary and we all know kids have a hard time with this one too.  It’s ONCE THEY GET IT, that the wheels start turning and they actually enjoy sharing.  Now, my daughter and nephew try to pass their harmonicas back and forth more than you’d probably like to imagine.  I don’t expect you to start sharing your tooth brush with anyone, and granted you never did get that DVD back the last time you let a friend “borrow” it, but sharing comes in all forms.  Have a friend taking a new class? Lend her your book.  Have a new mom in the group? “Share” with her some of your first time mommy thoughts in a card or a journal, written specifically for her to pull on in tough times.  Is your friend meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time?  Share a sure fire, crowd pleaser recipe that you know will knock their socks off.  Sharing is more than giving an object to a friend, but the concept still remains so simple.

Imitation is Truly the Best Form of Flattery

Despite the age old adage, imitation can be rather frustrating.  Doctors say that toddlers imitate other children as a way to feel connected socially, while simultaneously beginning to introduce the notion of empathy.  In many ways, adults who mimic their friends are also only trying to “be a part of something” and imitate because they admire or enjoy the positive experiences associated with what it is that you’re doing.  Take it for what it is and appreciate the flattery.  If someone wants to mimic you, then truly give them something worth mimicking; you could sign up for a 5k or volunteer your time with charities, suggesting to your friend to join along.

Fighting is Normal

Kids fight.  Adults fight.  Parents fight.  Siblings Fight.  It’s all a part of it.  If you’re fighting, then MORE THAN LIKELY it’s because you have something worth fighting for… your friendship.  If not, it would have been Wam Bam, Thank You Mam… I’m OUT!  Get over it and see below.

Making Up Doesn’t Have To Be So Dramatic

Ok, so you had a fight?  Figure out if there was a legitimate reason for it and address it.  If it was something petty, do like the kids do: kiss and make up.  Assuming it was nothing life altering, you really can just hug it out and move on.  No, seriously, you can.

Find Someone You Can Dance With

Watching my daughter twirling with her friends is not only exciting for her but melts my heart at the sincere happiness being shared in such a simplistic way.  2 little lives… or maybe 3 or 4 or 5… dancing and jumping and twirling together, just because it makes them happy.  Rhythm or not, I love jumping on their bandwagon and joining the fun.  You truly can’t be down if you are grooving to some tunes, especially with your BFFs.

At The End of The Day, Sometimes You Just Have to BE THERE

Having friends to do things with, dance with or be silly with is great, but sometimes you just need someone to be there with.  No talking, no explaining, just being.  In these moments of silence and support, you find your true soul savers… the ones that are there for you, when there’s nothing to do but be.  Easier said than done, but the ones that can do this are irreplaceable.

It’s Okay To Need Time For Yourself

And finally, perhaps the best thing we can all learn from children is that it is perfectly fine to need some time to ourselves.  It is both scary and satisfying learning to be OK on your own… to know you don’t need someone around to make you complete.  When we finally come to this realization, we are on our way to being a better friend to others… and ourselves.

Secretly Teaching My Daughter to Embrace the Messy/ Beautiful in Life

The other day I had a typical proud MOM moment.  Like the many before this one, I stared at my daughter and thought YEP, she’s a genius!  Luckily for me, I usually get brought back down to reality quick enough that I don’t start calling news agencies and boasting that I have the next Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds in the making.  Yes, my daughter is smart, beautiful and creative but she’s probably not a super genius wiz kid. PROBABLY.

But on this morning I was “Momming” around the house… you know cleaning, picking up and organizing… when I picked up her coloring book to put away.  Flipping back to the front, I noticed she had already gone ham on this new book as the pages were starting to fill quickly.  I immediately noticed a castle outline with coloring already in the works… and it was, for a 2 year old girl, AMAZING.  I was stunned at how inside the lines she was and how she had even started a pattern for the colors.  So impressed in fact, that I asked Abasi if it was his work, which thankfully it was not since he’s 36 and I know he’s got a better coloring game than that!  I couldn’t believe it… how could a little girl color so well, so neat and so organized?

I mean, she’s 2… wow, right?

 

And almost before I got through the thought in my head, I felt a sudden urge of panic.

Not an uncontrollable, debilitative panic but a small sensation running up my spine telling me to pay attention to something.  I knew immediately what it was.  The drawing was too neat and clean, too put together for a little girl.  I wanted her to go crazy, be messy, have fun with it, not worry about staying inside the lines too much.

And trust me, I would never say this to her… this stays between us.  I will encourage and applaud her drawings, neat or messy.  But I want to make sure she is embracing all the beauty that comes with being a little crazy, a little messy and a little imperfect.  This wasn’t a ground breaking, life shattering turn of events for Kennedy, she will never be the wiser, but now as her Mama, I have a secret mission: to help her embrace the messy and beautiful parts of life.

It’s along the same lines of cheering and clapping when a baby falls down.  They look immediately to your face to determine if this is something they should cry about, be hurt because of.  If you make a happy-big deal about it, they get excited again and keep on moving.  I want to be like that for every little messy part of Kennedy’s life.  Her biggest cheerleader (ugh, yes I said it) for big or small events that go either as planned or not according to plan.  I want her to know that not being perfect IS PERFECT.  She doesn’t have to get straight A’s, never have braces, win every game or keep every hair in it’s place, as long as she is giving it her all.  She can fall down, get up, go out on a limb, cry, wipe her eyes, take chances, fail and then succeed again because THAT is what it is all about in this crazy/ beautiful life.

Some people will get this, others will not.  That’s ok.  For me, I look at that picture and see how well done it was and know she is already on her way to being amazing.  She’s got it in her and I can’t wait to watch her grow and succeed like I know she will.  But I also know from my own experiences, that it’s not always about drawing inside the lines.  Doing something crazy, taking chances and making mistakes is how we learn and grow.  Some days we will be a perfectly colored castle and other days we will be a Jackson Pollock piece of art… and that is beautiful.

 

Skype Call to Poison Control

The other day I laughed at how crazy life is.  Here I am in one stage of parenting, while my other friends were at various stages of theirs- from first steps to actually giving birth at that very moment.  Life is indeed crazy.

What I didn’t know was that just 2 days later, life would show just HOW crazy it can be.  How incredibly fast life can change.  How I could go from having Kennedy dancing on my feet to “Unchained Melody” in one moment and a mere few hours later, Abasi and I would be Skyping the Poison Control Center in the US about a possible toxic overdose for our daughter.  Life is CRAZY.

Kennedy in bed and Abasi and I settling down to eat our dinner, we thought we had won a  free pass to sleep town.  She hadn’t napped during the day, she was easy to put into bed and now she was quiet. Obviously, too quiet.  We heard a bump, looked into the room and saw Kennedy playing in her room, tube of previously almost full Salicylic Acid nearly empty in her hand. Looking around, we quickly saw it rubbed onto the floor, on some toys and in her hair, but with the tube being so empty… twisted as if to get that very last bit of cream out… we were clearly concerned with ingestion.

So we asked, “Kennedy, did you put this in your mouth?”

“Yes, I tasted it.”

“You put it in your mouth?”

“No, I tasted it.”

Well, that did nothing to ease our concern.  Discussing with a two year old the difference between tasting and swallowing, especially when they can tell they MIGHT have done something wrong, gets you absolutely no where.

Fast forward through a blur of googling, Skyping the Poison Control (who were AMAZING), coming to the conclusion that though Salicylic Acid is essentially aspirin (which is why it’s dangerous for children), the amount she could have possibly ingested was PROBABLY not enough to be toxic, washing her and brushing her teeth, I found myself lying in bed with her, waiting for any kind of reaction.  Never before has living so far from a hospital (an hour and change from a not-so-great-one and 4 HOURS from a great one) seemed so scary and suffocating.  She did have 2 slight “symptoms” according to the various sights we read, but all in all seemed energetic and fine.

As she fell asleep, I put her face close to mine and said “I need you forever Kennedy.  You can’t go anywhere.”

Her response?  She put her tiny little hands on either side of my face and said “You’re beautiful Mommy.”

I pretty much just collapsed my face onto hers, needing to be close to her, hating myself for leaving that tube in reach and thanking God for allowing this to not have been as serious as it could have been.

Clearly, I slept with her that night.  Well, more like I laid next to her as she slept, every twitch or cough she had I inspected until I felt sure she was ok.  I woke/ got up at 6am when the sun was coming through the windows, checked her again, kissed her on her forehead and walked to the door to watch her still for another minute or two.

I checked on her another 2 times after that.  Any sound I heard, I jumped out of bed.  The next time I went into see her, she was laying in bed awake and laughing.  Again, I fell into her bed and kissed her.

So many things can and DO happen in the blink of an eye, and this time we got away with it.  I left something in reach and it could have been a lot worse.  I could have made a mistake that I would never forgive myself for.  As I’ve said before, I’m not perfect, but I’ll be damned if I don’t learn from my mistakes and appreciate the things that do go our way.

Clearly, alls well that ends well.  We are back to the normal morning routine of coffee, juice, cartoons and her newest obsession of begging for chocolate. It was a wake up call, but in the end not serious. We were lucky.  We ARE lucky.

Life is crazy.

 

My Little Girl’s Gentle Soul: Nature vs Nurture

To say that my daughter surprises and inspires me daily is an understatement.  The obvious humor Kennedy possesses is nothing compared to the gentle soul that frequently expresses empathy for others.  I have seen my 2 year old care more for other human beings than some grown folk.  By 1 years old she was rubbing the backs of older children who were crying, obvious to their sadness.  As her age progressed, so did her awareness of situations with pain and sadness, leaving her to cry at sad songs in movies… obviously my child with that one.  She just gets it.

Today I stood in awe from the doorway as I watched my tiny little human, the best thing I have ever created, line her animals and dollies up on the bed to sleep, whisper in their ear and kiss them on their heads.  Kennedy beams beautiful from the inside out.  She has grace that I cannot explain and question if I can even take credit for.

Of course there are moments when the terrible twos rage their screaming, belligerent heads.  Moments where she looses all human like qualities and simply flails on the ground like a sea creature out of water.  Oh yes, my darling daughter does that also.  But I feel like those moments only help to show the stark contrast that is her soft and gentle nature.

How did this happen?  Is it simply who she is or a direct result of our obvious award winning and glorious parenting?  Though I obviously kid about the next-to-Godly job I am doing parenting, I do pray that my daughter’s kindness comes at least in part from her interactions with Abasi and I.  “Dear God, please allow Abasi and I to continue being the very best parents we can” is a nightly prayer.  I only want to do the VERY best I possibly can do for her… nothing more, nothing less.

Hopefully it is a combination though.  Hopefully Kennedy’s born nature is working in peaceful unity with the examples she sees not only from Abasi and I, but from her family, friends and surroundings.  The simple nature that is our life here in Costa Rica hopefully lends Kennedy to feeling less of the hustle and bustle stress of an over-stimulated world.  I certainly have moments that are not in my finest hour, when the stress of the day erupts after washing the 100th plate of the day and the dirty dish water splashes up into my face and over on the floor, leaving me howling out the kitchen window like a crazed wolf.  Oh yes, picture it.  These moments I would rather prefer her NOT to note for later use.

The moments like today only inspire me to snip my loose ends and tighten up my game.  Not because I am trying to be perfect and act like I don’t loose my cool or have moments of being incredibly overwhelmed.  I want to simply mirror the beauty that I see in my daughter.  If she can learn from my nurture, then why can I not learn from hers?

And if this is the result- this small, beautiful, bundle of empathy, humor and grace than I am humbled, truly humbled, to be her mother, her teacher and her student.

Resolutions Don’t Have To Be Cliche: Improvements in 2015

So we’ve all heard it year after year, “New Year, New Me!”  While there always seems to be people who snicker at the concept of resolutions, I personally don’t see a problem with it.  In my opinion, a bold starting date, such as the 1st of the year, seems like a great jump off point to get your goals and butt in gear.

I think the problem comes when people try for something either unrealistic or something they probably already know they won’t follow through with.  Why start something you can’t finish?  Of course, resolutions are meant to be challenging, but keep it within the realm of reality and your sanity people.

So for me this year I have 3 small New Year’s resolutions.  One is for me to feel better, one is to help Kennedy in the current (and get Abasi off my back : ) shhh) and the other is to help Kennedy in the future.

The first is pretty par for the course for me these days… I just need to really commit to it.  Ever since being pregnant I have developed an intolerance to beer, bread and pasta.  To take those 3 delicious staples from my diet, you would think Kennedy hated me even before she was born!  In fact, Abasi says he got suspicious that I might be pregnant when I told him I “wasn’t in the mood for pasta” right before we found out about Kennedy.  HELLO RED FLAGS!!! Well after the pregnancy it continued and me being stubborn it definitely took some time admitting to it.  I have done pretty well with getting the main culprit out, which is pasta, but I still dabble in beer and bread.  WHO WOULDN’T RIGHT??  Well for this upcoming year, I want to go from Jan 1st to my birthday, April 22nd, without any of it to truly see if it makes a difference in my health.  Pray for me friends, this will be TOUGH!

Secondly, I want to work on something SUPER EASY!  I am the first to admit my downfalls and as a parent I am certainly not perfect.  But this one is so easy, I know I can fix it if I am just MINDFUL about it.  So here it is…. I’M BAD AT WASHING KENNEDY’S HANDS BEFORE SHE EATS!  Whhheewww, weight off my shoulder, save the ‘Mom of the Year’ award until next year, you now know my dirty (literally) little secret.  I am super good at getting home cooked meals ready in a snap, serving it up exactly how Kenny will eat it and setting up her little table.  I GET SO CLOSE… and then I just let her go to it.  Well, it is kinda gross, especially being a tiny little force of nature constantly doing things in every conceivable nook and cranny in the house.  AND this is one of Abasi’s BIG hangups… he is super good at remembering this.  So, as silly as it may seem, I am going to be VERY mindful about washing Kennedy’s hands before she eats.  Moving on.

Finally, this is something I have been very aware of for a while, but until Kennedy really started mocking every little thing I did, I didn’t think of the consequences of.  I think I do something that easily 75% of America does without thinking twice.  When I walk past a mirror, especially the more I work out, I stop and check myself out, flex or lift my shirt to see my tummy.  One day, I was walking by the mirror in my bathing suit and stopped and checked out my figure.  I saw Kennedy stop playing with her toys and notice what I was doing.  I decided then, that I wanted to make this change.  I am not going to completely stop “analyzing” my fitness results but I am going to stop fussing about myself in the mirror in front of Kennedy.  I want my daughter to know that she is strong and beautiful from the inside out, not the other way around. I am happy with the way I am physically coming along which is a great thing.  I am glad Kennedy sees Abasi and I working out, getting stronger physically and mentally, but I don’t ever want her to obsess about her looks.

One day, I was walking by the mirror in my bathing suit and stopped and checked out my figure.  I saw Kennedy playing with her toys beside me stop and notice what I was doing.  I decided then, that I wanted to make this change.  I am not going to completely stop “analyzing” my fitness results but I am going to stop fussing about myself in the mirror in front of Kennedy.  I want my daughter to know that she is strong and beautiful from the inside out, not the other way around.

So that’s it.  Nothing too crazy, nothing too unobtainable.  I will work hard at these (and I’m sure many other things that need constant fine tuning) but I will not punish myself if I slip.  I will acknowledge it and move on. Friends and family feel free to hold me accountable… slap that damn piece of bread from my hand!  And then run fast my friends, very fast ; )

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas and has a new year full of health, wealth and happiness. What are your goals for the New Year?  Share ’em with me and let’s work on ourselves together! Here’s to a fantastic 2015!!

A Question I Can’t Answer: Who Tells The Little Ones?

For those who know me personally, to say I am outspoken is sometimes an understatement.  Never at a loss for words, I tend to speak without thinking, blurting my opinions for anyone who cares to listen.  Today however, I am without words.  I sit here, for the 4th day in a row trying to figure out answers to mine and probably so many other’s questions.  For the 4th day in a row, I sit here, dazed, wondering how exactly you explain to two little girls that their mother is not coming back.

I am not foreign to death.  Though I have been blessed enough to still have my parents and my brother, I have experienced loss.  I have seen how death can rip lives apart, while simaltenously uniting others.  My own personal experiences of death stem from losing grandparents as a young child and a friend as a teen.

Though I barely grasped the concept of death at 7 years old, I have a very distinct memory of walking downstairs to see my mom crying one morning.  As I climbed into her lap, questioning her tears, she didn’t try to hide it, but simply said “I miss my mom,” “I just want my mom back.”  For me, that was a pivotal point in understanding the “forever gone” reality.  And so, I just sat with my mom, while she cried for her own mom.  It was the first real time I saw an adult grieve for their parent.

Later, in highschool, my close knit circle of friends experienced a loss that literally changed the dynamic of our high school experience.  Losing Bridget, was and is to date one of the hardest things I, and many others, have ever dealt with.  One Wednesday night she was making silly faces at me across the booth at Friendly’s and the next day she was gone forever.  By this point, I wasn’t a child, I understood what it meant to die, but I still didn’t understand why.  Why would God take someone so young?  What reason was there?  I watched her family mourn the loss of their youngest daughter, knowing nothing I or any of us did, could ever soothe their pain.  It was the first real time I saw parents grieve for their child.

I have had friends my age that have lost their parents… most younger than my own parents.  While mourning their loss and really not being able to understand their pain, I selfishly feared losing my own parents.  When that day comes, I don’t even know how I will pull myself out of bed.  Watching the growth, pain and evolution of my friends, I have now seen young adults grieve for their parents.

But all of this is to say, that today, I am without words.  Today I don’t get it.  My well worn mantra of “everything happens for a reason” makes no sense to me today.  Today, as I did yesterday, and the day before that and on Friday when I found out about Nancy in the middle of decorating our Christmas tree, I can’t understand what it is like for 2 little girls to grieve, let alone understand that their mom is gone forever.  For all of my other experiences with loss, the answers here elude me.  Maybe it’s because now I am a mother.  Perhaps, it is me being selfish again- thinking about myself and my daughter.  Who would tell Kennedy?  How would they tell Kennedy?  Would she ask about me every day until one day she just… didn’t?  I pray for Nancy’s whole family…she was a daughter, a sister and a friend.  But I ache for her daughters.  2 small, unknowing, innocent, little girls who will never see their mom again, or her amazing cakes she made them or the costumes she put together.  The mom, who without missing a step allowed her daughters to be fiercely independent and choose their own way even at such a young age.  Be who you want to be seemed to be Nancy’s mantra and she walked the talk every day.

And so again, here I am, wondering… how do you do it?  I’m sure there are books to help explain. But does a child really want to read a damn book when they have just lost their mother?  I DON’T KNOW!  I, at 27 years old, can’t seem to grasp any of these concepts, so how can a child?  It makes me feel like a teen again, angry, for what the reasoning could be.  WHAT COULD BE THE POINT OF TAKING A LOVING MOTHER FROM 2 LITTLE GIRLS!?  And then someone else is left to clean up the mess of explaining things out of their control or comprehension.  It just doesn’t make sense.

None of these things, I have an answer for.  What I do know is that it takes a village to raise a child.  On your very best day of parenting you still need “your people” to help make sense of this world.  And if anyone ever needed their village people, Nancy was the first in line, cake in hand (to either pie you in the face or dazzle you with her creativity), ready to help lead the good fight.  If Nancy can no longer be here, then we, her village, must step up and wrap those girls in love, support, memories and laughter.  No, it’s not our job to be the one to tell them, forever means forever, and God Bless the person who actually has to do that.  But we can be there to lend a softer landing.  We can be there to make sure Nancy’s laughter and smile never dim.

For anyone reading this that has lost a loved one, I pray for and with you.  We all know you never get over it.  Though you never move on, you learn to move forward.  I still to this day say “Goodnight Bridget” every night before I go to sleep.  Maybe it’s a habit at this point, but I’ll take any daily connection, habit or not, and it brings me comfort.  For anyone reading this that knows Nancy personally, I grieve with you.  Abasi and I are very saddened and shocked.  We are sad because we cannot be there with everyone to mourn her passing and celebrate her life that she lived so well.  We hope you feel our prayers and love wrapping around you today as you say goodbye and every day after, as we build a strong community around Audrey and Charlotte in any way we can.  For some of us, where distance mocks us, the positive thoughts and prayers must suffice for now.  For anyone that can donate monetarily, you can go to this site <3Nancy and help the family with costs.

Thank you for the memories you gave us Nancy.  The laughter, the friendships, the moments we all hold dear will not soon fade.  A life gone way to soon, but lived fully nonetheless.  I hope you rest peacefully, though watch out Heaven, because she is Hell on Wheels.  Finally, I know how fiercely you loved your girls.  The only positive out of this is that Audrey and Charlotte will have the biggest angel of all guiding and protecting them through every day life.  We will be your foot soldiers.  Though we probably cannot match your shine… we will carry on your smile, stories and shenanigans.  Rest peacefully Nancy, it is goodbye for now, but not forever.

Mornings I Want to SCREEAMM!!!

Oh hello 6:30am… is it time to wake up, because I could’ve sworn I just closed my eyes barely before my head hitting the pillow.

But no, it has to be time to get up, because I hear Kennedy pounding on her door, yelling “MAAAMMMAA!!”  Opening the door, I am greeted by the newest fashion trend Kennedy is flaunting… full on nudity, convinced she must take off her own diaper behind the door every morning.  And it is definitely morning, because the sun is up from its sleep as well and the monkeys, yes monkeys, are howling and grunting high above our heads.  Yes… it is definitely morning in Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica for this Jungle Princess and her mama.

But unlike normal mornings, coffee in hand and cartoons on the TV, we don’t have time today to adjust to the new day before heading to school.  No, today we must finish the cake for Kennedy’s class party, which means running out to town before 8am.  Hurry, hurry, hurry, we have to get out the door my little love.

Hardly.  My beautiful child, who can rock an easy disposition like no ones business is having none of it today.  Incessant whining every time I put her down, needing to be held, then yelling NO! as if to say “HOW DARE YOU PICK ME UP!”  This tiny little maniac is sending signals all over the place and all the whining is already fine tuning my must-get-coffee-now-headache.  God bless my soul, even her rare moments of happiness induced singing are driving me crazy this morning. Pushing through the fits and  trying my damnedest to keep calm, I turn her attention to getting dressed because today, I remind her, is a party at school!  My efforts seem not to be in vain but she quickly remembers she has recently mastered her colors- thank God because I swear I thought she was color blind. However, Hell hath no fury like a toddler that knows her colors.  “GGGWWEEEENNNN PANNNTSSSS!!!”  Dear God, please Krysta… find the green pants, I beg of myself.  And as if taunting me, I peer through her bedroom window to see her green pants hanging on the line, dripping wet from last night’s (and the night before that and the night before that and, well you get it…) rain.  Well that sucks.

I try to steer her attention to a “yellow-green” shirt, to no avail.  Thankfully, after another bout of fits and crying, she decides red is ok to wear and like a gift given from God himself, there are a pair of red pants sitting as a sacrifice atop the pile.  Remember to say an extra thank you later, I remind myself.

Fast forwarding through more huffs and puffs, the wanting the banana then not wanting the banana, NEEDING to wear her blue shoes (what do I care if it doesn’t match and we can get it done without tears), and again with the needing to be held… carried actually to the car.  It feels like I’m rounding third, on my way to home plate, just a quick stop at the store and we are at school… I can practically smell the coffee percolating in my kitchen.

BUT NO, duh.  The mental prepping I had done last night is all awash.  The candy I had envisioned on the cake is out of stock and the other candies aren’t going to cut it.  Think fast, move on Krysta.  At this point, Kennedy has already stared wide eyed at the candy display, holding onto the promise she could have “only one.”  With the time restraint and lack of suitable candy, I make what I know to be an unwise move and leave the store, sans candy.  Insert waterworks —->> here.  More like fireworks with tears, as she screams and thrashes all the way to the car.  A local surfer I pass says “you look nervous,” and though I think the term got lost in a language translation, I know what he means and blurt out “I JUST NEED TO FINISH A CAKE!!!”

I run to the only other store open at this hour and settle on rainbow sprinkles… no not Jimmies to all my South Jersey friends… these are the tiny little ball sprinkles.  It is lack luster but it will have to suffice.  Kennedy at this point has refocused her energies and compromises on a juice.  Easy.  Buy it and run to the car, open the sprinkles and again my Murphy’s Law of a morning continues.  SPRINKLES EVERYWHERE.  EVERYWHERE.  Clean up all the sprinkles and I drop the freaking cap on the ground almost under the car.  I seriously don’t have time for this and I can feel my blood rising into my face.  WOOOSSAAHHH, Krysta, you’re so close to home, the ball’s in mid field, you will DEFINITELY make it to home plate.

Throw the kid back in the car, head to school, hand over the cake… I am relinquished of that responsibility now… and give kisses goodbye.  Halleujah, I slide around the plate, barely sweeping my fingers on the base, close but enough for the home run… I am free.  Free for the next 4 hours.  Well actually 2.5 because I have work meetings, but still free to go get some coffee, decompress and renew my patience.

Not every single morning is rainbows and sunshine people.  Most days are great.  But some days I want to rip my hair out.  Today was one of them.  This too shall pass. And at noon, I will gladly go to the school, scoop my big/ little girl into my arms, ask her how her day was and kiss her until I turn blue in the face.  It’s about breathing, accepting the bad moments, embracing the good and pushing forward to the new.

And it helps to remember that children are really just tiny, little, crazy midgets whose sole purpose is to make you go bat s*%t crazy… but they do it with love.  : )  True story.

At least the cake looks cool… pre frosting and sprinkles.

I Forgot I Wanted Christmas…

I think I forgot how much I actually wanted Christmas.  No, not the gifts or the Christmas carols.  And definitely not the snow… just Christmas.  I know what the holiday is about.  I was raised in a church and I get the religious reasons for Christmas, but we would be fooling ourselves if we said that was all Christmas is about anymore.  Maybe it shouldn’t be this way… but it is.

What I’m realizing I want is the big Christmas tree, with the pretty and special ornaments.  The sparkling lights, the candles, the wreaths.  I want the stockings all lined up across my parent’s mantle.  The houses lit up throughout the neighborhoods. Time with all of my crazy, ridiculous, obnoxiously loud but beautiful family members I rarely see.  Keep the presents, I just want these things.

To understand you kinda gotta know my mom is a wonder woman.  Seriously.  As a child, we always went to my Grandma Jo’s house for Christmas.  EVERYONE.  All 5 of her kids, whatever kids they had at the moment.  Whatever girlfriends, boyfriends, neighbors, friends, co-workers you name it that wanted to join… could and did.  My Grandma passed away when I was 7 years old and without missing a step, my mom (& dad) inherited 2 dogs and Christmas.  If you ask me, my mom was born to host Christmas.  Yes, I’m sure she stresses herself out beyond belief, but if you could see the house after she decorates, or taste her cooking, or see the mantle with EVERY SINGLE PERSON’S stocking lined up across, then you would get it.  She makes it so special.  And so now, 20 years after taking over Christmas, the “Prizzi Christmas” is a full on circus of family, babies, friends, cursing, laughing, drinking, eating and an abundance of sassy love.

Love this picture of us for Kennedy’s 1st Christmas, but the real point for this picture is LOOK AT THE MANTLE BEHIND US! All of those stockings!! No one is ever left out!

Why am I so bothered about it this year?  Because this year, we are not going “home” for the holidays.  Instead we’re staying in our home of Costa Rica, basking in the sun, drinking margaritas and enjoying Christmas with fellow traveling friends, family and Lazy Mon staff.  And please, don’t pity me… it will be amazing.  I know this because I’ve done it one other time.  The year Abasi and I trekked to Costa Rica, we stayed for Christmas instead of going back to the States.  But we were high on the excitement of a new adventure then… and childless.  Now that we have a family, it hurts not to spend the holidays with our EXTENDED FAMILY.  And I know it hurts them too, which always deepens the pain.

I don’t know if it’s more of a subconscious desire to have the Christmas I’ve known for 27 years or if it’s a “you want what you can’t have” type of thing.  All I know is I’ve found myself in a manic-esque craze the past week, pulling every DIY Christmas project from my arsenal.  My top Google searches are “DIY Christmas Wreaths”, “Salt Dough Ornaments”, “Homemade Christmas Decorations.”  I am craving to create Christmas in the Caribbean.  I want to see it. I want Kennedy to see it.  I feel like I need it to breathe right now.

Trial run for salt dough ornaments. Niki, Kai, Kennedy and I will make more later this week… new tradition for the cousins??

And so, here I am, spray painting pickle jars to turn into snowmen candle holders, buying cheap plastic garland to spruce things up, pulling every Santa hat I own out of hiding and making Salt Dough ornaments for a tree I have yet to find.  In the end it will look “nice”, yet I still find myself yearning for the traditional Christmas I’ve known for 27 years but never knew I NEEDED.

This will be hard.  Not just for me, but for my parents and I hate that.  Aside from not having me, Kennedy or Abasi home for the holidays, they also won’t have my brother for the first time, who is here in Costa Rica with us right now.  But that is a silver lining… we do have some family here.  Like I’ve said before, Abasi’s brother Khalil with his wife (and my sister I never had) Niki live here in Puerto Viejo too.  And they have their son Kai, so for the first time Kennedy and Kai will actually spend Christmas together.  And my brother will be here, celebrating with us too.  It’s our little satellite family, and I thank God for it.

So I guess that’s the way life works right?  Circumstances force you to make decisions that you can either feel sorry about or make something of.  While I am sad, I choose to make something of it.  I will DIY the hell outta this house.  I WILL find a freaking tree.  I WILL put some Christmas magic into my tiny little Caribbean house.  And I’ll do it because my Mom did it for us and because I clearly loved it more than I ever acknowledged.  I have attachments to Christmas, that once deprived of, I never knew existed.  And do you want to know something pathetic?  I don’t think I have ever once thanked my Mom for putting together the amazing Christmas she does year after year.

So to you Mom, who I know is reading because you always do:  THANK YOU!  Thank you for running around, stressing yourself out, cooking for more than 30 people every year, decorating the house, lining up our stockings and making everyone feel so welcomed.  But more than anything, thank you for creating a tradition in a loving home.  Time after time, you knock it outta the park!

Happiest Gramz in the world. The tree doesn’t hold a candle to either of their shining smiles!

To all of you, Happy December 1st!  24 days to go, enjoy your holidays with your family and friends no matter where you are and cherish the traditions you have with your loved ones.  Does anyone out there have a crazy, fun or sentimental tradition you want to share?  I would love to hear it!

Innocence at it’s best… Kennedy’s 1st Christmas ❤

I think the little Jungle Princess is a bit overwhelmed with all of the “stuff” during her 2nd Christmas. No sticks and seashells here Kennedy.

It’s ok… she got use to the material life pretty quick…. she was on the phone all day with her stockbroker : )

Keepin’ It Thankful…

Hidey ho amigos!  Hope everyone’s day is going super well.  It was really great to get the response that I did to my last post “Dear Kennedy, I Promise” and everyone that privately messaged me really touched me. So thank you for that. Since my last couple of posts have been preetttyyy llooonnggg, I decided to keep it short and sweet… to match my new haircut ; )

And because Thanksgiving is tomorrow, let’s keep talking about being thankful!  Somethings in life we KNOW we are thankful for, like for our health and that of our loved ones.  I recently read a post by another blogging mama (you should read her stuff… Mom Life Now ) I follow and in her last post, she painfully described the scene at their house while their son suffered through another seizure.  Pure nightmare.  Pure hell.  Pure agony.  In the end, he was fine, but I truly cannot put myself in her shoes and I THANK GOD FOR THIS.  Literally the day before reading her post, I was watching Kennedy as she was falling asleep for a nap and she began shaking her head almost in a yes nod, up and down, up and down.  It freaked me out.  She wasn’t convulsing, she wasn’t moving erratically, simply shaking her head “yes.”  HELL, it’s probably the only “yes” she has given me in the past year so I should’ve let her be, but I couldn’t.  Like I said, it freaked me out.  I assume she was dreaming, but nonetheless I woke her up.  Wake a sleeping toddler, crazy huh? The health, happiness and safety of my daughter is my most focused prayer every night.  I am thankful beyond measure for my own health, that of Abasi and all of our family and friends, and while we too are in my prayers every night, nothing compares to my desire for Kennedy to be healthy and safe.  So for that, more than anything in the world… I am blessed and thankful for.

But then there are things that you appreciate unconsciously and as I sat down to write today, I giggled at myself when I realized that outside of the BIG THING… I really appreciate some small, silly stuff.

Like free coffee at the local ferretería.  There’s nothing special about it, except that I know that when I go to our hardware store, I can score some free coffee and it makes me smile.  I LOVE COFFEE!

Like the fact that you can take a $1 mug and some markers and make a brand new mug for that coffee I love so much.  I also LOVE mugs.

HHOO loves mugs more than me? ; )

And small things like getting my haircut today.  2 hours to relax, chit chat with my girlfran and walk out feeling lighter and refreshed.  Today I did it big and cut my hair short, and I’m even thankful that I SIMPLY DON’T CARE if I take that risk because it is just going to grow back.  9 times out of 10… hair grows back. Cut it off.  Take a chance.  AHHH REFRESHING.

Nice face, huh? A bit apprehensive?

And then there are super cool things that you realize you didn’t know you would be thankful for, or even ever need.  Like writing.  I’ve always loved writing, but I never thought I would need to write.  NOW I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WRITE. Because it helps me and because I think it’s helping some others too.  AND I NEED THAT.  I am thankful for all the people that pushed me to start a blog and the people that continuously comment, share, like, follow, friend, tweet, etc, etc because it makes me feel SO connected.  Recently, a friend gave me a book by Glennon Doyle Melton (who I am learning is AWESOME, you should check her out too at Momastery.com) to help support and inspire my writing.  She already knows how much I appreciate it, but again, GRACIAS Zoee!  In this book, Mrs. Melton says, “Reading is my inhale, writing is my exhale.”  That is so incredibly beautiful and true.  But the more I thought about it today I realized that for me, writing is my inhale, and YOU… all the people reading this blog and supporting me… are my exhale.  Publishing a new post for me is like holding my breath… waiting for that first comment or like.  A bit narcissistic I know, but it’s more because I want so badly to touch a place in people’s hearts and souls.  I am so grateful FOR YOU GUYS, for giving me a reason to sit down and truly enjoy writing.  Wanting to write.  It helps me deal with life, it calms me down and every time I get a private message saying “THANK YOU, I NEEDED THAT POST TODAY,” I blush with pride.  I am truly honored to be able to express some things that others are feeling also.  SO THANK YOU… ALL OF YOU.

That is it.  Kennedy is napping, I’m gonna watch some boob tube and tomorrow is Thanksgiving Feast time with lots of great people AND GREAT FOOTBALL!  I can’t wait to start baking my Pumpkin Cheesecake and various other recipes I’ve been dying to try.

Have a great day tomorrow, appreciate the small and big things in life and love freely : )