10 Truths About Friendships That Kids Can Teach Adults

My mom always said you should never have to put more into a relationship than 60/40 to make it work. At times, you will be the 60 and at others, your friends will be the 60, but if a relationship… of any kind… becomes more giving than balancing, than it is probably not worth your energy in the long run. 10 years ago that made sense and it still rings true today. Friendships, especially as adults with families, careers, making ends meet, yada yada yada are hard to maintain, let alone keep. True friends, of course, get that your friendship will ebb and flow, moving with the current in life, but always in the right direction. But still, at the end of the day, friendships though important and sacred, can be down right exhausting.

Until that is, I started watching… not keeping my eye on… but REALLY watching my daughter’s interactions with her friends. Slowly but surely I began to see a pattern- a simple approach to friendship. An innocent, honest, raw and EASY happiness in the children, both on their faces and in their actions. Day after day, I think about all of the “things” we need to teach our children: manners, ABC’s, numbers, etc… but the more I am surrounded by these tiny, beautiful, wacky people, the more I realize I am learning from them.

Here are 10 truths that I was reminded of by watching my daughter and her tiny people posse:

Friends Come in ALL Shapes, Colors and Sizes

Living in a town as culturally diverse as Puerto Viejo, we often find ourselves rubbing elbows with parents and children from around the world.  Just in my daughter’s class alone there are kids from Switzerland, France, America, Canada, Italy and of course Costa Rica.  To them, they are just kids; some with brown hair, some with blonde, some with dark skin, some with light skin.  Age, race, shape and more doesn’t even come into play (pun intended) when these kids get together.  Adults should learn to look through a kaleidoscope-esque lens more often, seeing people for WHO they are, not what they are or where they come from.  Adults could benefit incredibly by the innocent acceptance of people that children so beautifully and easily possess.

Find Someone You Can Be Yourself With

One of the most important things about having friends is the opportunity to just be yourself.  A true treasure in life is finding that person or group of people who allow you to be exactly who you are without hesitation.  Find someone, in every relationship you enter, that loves you for you and not someone they WANT you to be.

Find Someone You Can Be Silly With

Hopefully, you have a circle of friends like this, but if not, I sincerely hope you start making some. Happiness comes in spades when you are surrounded by people who enjoy being silly and letting loose.  Watch children who spin in circles together just to fall down and laugh and you’ll see the allure… having fun + not caring who’s watching = pure joy.

Sharing is Caring

This may seem rudimentary and we all know kids have a hard time with this one too.  It’s ONCE THEY GET IT, that the wheels start turning and they actually enjoy sharing.  Now, my daughter and nephew try to pass their harmonicas back and forth more than you’d probably like to imagine.  I don’t expect you to start sharing your tooth brush with anyone, and granted you never did get that DVD back the last time you let a friend “borrow” it, but sharing comes in all forms.  Have a friend taking a new class? Lend her your book.  Have a new mom in the group? “Share” with her some of your first time mommy thoughts in a card or a journal, written specifically for her to pull on in tough times.  Is your friend meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time?  Share a sure fire, crowd pleaser recipe that you know will knock their socks off.  Sharing is more than giving an object to a friend, but the concept still remains so simple.

Imitation is Truly the Best Form of Flattery

Despite the age old adage, imitation can be rather frustrating.  Doctors say that toddlers imitate other children as a way to feel connected socially, while simultaneously beginning to introduce the notion of empathy.  In many ways, adults who mimic their friends are also only trying to “be a part of something” and imitate because they admire or enjoy the positive experiences associated with what it is that you’re doing.  Take it for what it is and appreciate the flattery.  If someone wants to mimic you, then truly give them something worth mimicking; you could sign up for a 5k or volunteer your time with charities, suggesting to your friend to join along.

Fighting is Normal

Kids fight.  Adults fight.  Parents fight.  Siblings Fight.  It’s all a part of it.  If you’re fighting, then MORE THAN LIKELY it’s because you have something worth fighting for… your friendship.  If not, it would have been Wam Bam, Thank You Mam… I’m OUT!  Get over it and see below.

Making Up Doesn’t Have To Be So Dramatic

Ok, so you had a fight?  Figure out if there was a legitimate reason for it and address it.  If it was something petty, do like the kids do: kiss and make up.  Assuming it was nothing life altering, you really can just hug it out and move on.  No, seriously, you can.

Find Someone You Can Dance With

Watching my daughter twirling with her friends is not only exciting for her but melts my heart at the sincere happiness being shared in such a simplistic way.  2 little lives… or maybe 3 or 4 or 5… dancing and jumping and twirling together, just because it makes them happy.  Rhythm or not, I love jumping on their bandwagon and joining the fun.  You truly can’t be down if you are grooving to some tunes, especially with your BFFs.

At The End of The Day, Sometimes You Just Have to BE THERE

Having friends to do things with, dance with or be silly with is great, but sometimes you just need someone to be there with.  No talking, no explaining, just being.  In these moments of silence and support, you find your true soul savers… the ones that are there for you, when there’s nothing to do but be.  Easier said than done, but the ones that can do this are irreplaceable.

It’s Okay To Need Time For Yourself

And finally, perhaps the best thing we can all learn from children is that it is perfectly fine to need some time to ourselves.  It is both scary and satisfying learning to be OK on your own… to know you don’t need someone around to make you complete.  When we finally come to this realization, we are on our way to being a better friend to others… and ourselves.

4 Dates as a Mama That Are Better Than Any First Date in the World

When you’re young and looking to fall in love, or maybe just looking to have some fun, dating seems like the biggest highlight of your fledging social life.  First dates, with all the butterflies, awkward moments and possible first kisses are magical in their own right, but what would you say if I told you it gets even better?  What if I told you I’ve discovered 4 dates in my adulthood… and specifically as a mom… that blow the best first date I’ve ever had out of the water?

The “Let’s Escape and Remember We’re Humans That Love Each Other Date”

To be fair, I have actually had a first date with this person- and it was pretty amazing.  BUT as exceptional as that date was, over sushi and loads of sake, I’m talking about a rendezvous even more special, more intimate… and one that rarely ever happens.  I’m talking about the elusive date with my fiancé.  That magical moment when we actually have a babysitter and can sneak away for a few hours to simply enjoy being adults together.  Yes, we love our daughter, but we also love one another and certainly do not get enough time to just let loose and share a few laughs, catch a movie or a plate of really delicious, salty parmesan and prosciutto.  When we enjoy each other more, we not only enjoy our family more, but we handle the bumps and bruises of parenting better together too.

The “You Save My Soul and Keep Me Sane Date”

Coffee? Check. Laughing? Check. Girlfriends? Check Check.  Mastering the art of the girlfriend date has been by far one of my biggest accomplishments and sanity savers.  Never in my life did I expect to find such raw happiness in laughing and talking… mixed with a bit of bitching… with my girlfriends over a good cup of hot coffee!  Nothing is off limits, from toddler tantrums to awkward gynecologist visits to the latest dumb fight with our spouses.  Girlfriends are the soul sisters sent to us to let us know we’re NOT ALONE (or crazy!)  No matter if it’s a quick cup of Joe, a long night with an endless supply of wine or anything in between, I relish the time to soak up all the support and love with my BFFs.

The “Embracing Every Moment of Our Legacy Date”

If you’re blessed enough to still have the opportunity for date #3, I suggest you get on it and savor every moment you can.  Opportunities to share time with my adult parents is by far one of the most treasured experiences in life.  Everything from learning little secrets I didn’t realize as a child to discovering more of who I am through the tales of my parents to their NOW WISE advice is something to behold.  Simply shopping (power walking and bargain buying) with my Mom or sitting on the back deck, sipping a martini with my Dad, time always seems to simultaneously stop and pass in the blink of an eye.  For a moment, I am transfixed- embracing this person whom I know will not always be around- trying my best to soak up every memory, piece of invaluable knowledge or family secret before the hustle and bustle of life starts again.  Though I vividly remember with joy my “Daddy Daughter Dates” as a child, watching vampire movies and eating large bowls of pasta, I still wouldn’t trade any of my adult conversations with my parents for the world.  I hold every nanosecond deep inside my heart to pull from, when inevitably one day, they are no longer around to guide me.

The “Little Toes, Big Smiles, Perfect Moments and Endless Love Date”

Finally, this brings us to the date of all dates.  The very MOMENT I realized I wanted life to literally stand still.  The moment I thought to myself “this is exactly how every true love should feel.”  That exact moment I looked at my daughter, lying in our bed with a big bowl of popcorn practically hiding her face, watching a movie and laughing.  Just the two of us in our pajamas, our hair messy from a day of play- date night with my daughter has turned out to be the most rewarding event of my life.  No wining and dining, flowers, first date sparks or butterflies can compare to the simplicity of true love between us.  It is in the very moment that we start singing or dancing to any number of Disney movies, that I know this… this moment right here… is my favorite date of all.  On any given day, my hundredth kiss from my daughter is still more special and cherished than any first kiss on any first date in the world.

Letting the Little Things Get You Through…

Today has been draining.

On top of numerous things forever circulating inside my brain about my family, my business and life in general, I have been feeling especially disconnected to… something.  I will admit it, I have been feeling kind of lost lately.  It’s not as if I don’t have a purpose… I’m a mother for God’s sake, I will ALWAYS have a purpose. I suppose it is just a rut, and I’m ok with that, because I’m strong enough to pull myself out of a rut.  And IF I’m not, I know I have people surrounding me that are waiting in the wings to lift me out.

But on top of just feeling  “blah” today, our dog Bentley hasn’t been eating and thankfully Abasi noticed 2 large lumps on his throat quick enough that we were able to take action.  Just walking into the vet’s office I cried at the sadly familiar surroundings.  Hopefully, we caught what we now know to be Tick Fever in time, because I simply cannot lose Bentley.  Preferably not ever, but knowing that that is impossible, I beg God not to let us lose him a mere 2 months after losing his mother, Gemini.

So, like I said, today has been draining.

But, with that being said, today I sang, I’ve smiled, and at a certain point I even laughed.  It is at moments when we feel the lowest that we sometimes, or at least I do, notice the highs of life caused by the smallest of things.

First I drove down a highway by myself… and fast.  NOT DANGEROUSLY FAST, but faster than the small roads in  Puerto Viejo allow for, but I wasn’t in Puerto Viejo anymore so I let it rip!  There is something in this world about driving with a purpose, sun and wind on my face, music blasting and singing out loud that makes my heart flutter and my spirits soar.  And so, despite it all, I sang.

Then I indulged in milk and cookies.  Hell yea, I did.  And I might have more later because I wanted to and because it made me feel comfort when I needed it.  Do I eat cookies every day?  No, I am conscious of what I put into my body, but I’ll be damned if I deprive myself a simple avenue towards feeling better.  Take what you can get when you get it.  And so, despite it all, I smiled.

And finally, I surrounded myself with my biggest high in life of them all… my kids.  Techinically I only have one, but my nephew Makai is such a beautiful part of my life that I love him like my own.  Kennedy and Kai are an extension of one another in every gorgeous way and being around them together is better than any prescription in the world.  I picked them up from school and drove slowly through the back roads listening to their conversations in Spanish and in English about butterflies, birds and how their daddies were taking their Auntie Cecily back to the airport today.  When I asked what they ate at school, they replied in unison “RICE AND BEANS” which for whatever reason cracked me up.  The energy, youth, love and humor that these two children possess individually and especially together is invigorating.  And so, despite it all, I laughed… a lot.

The Best “Happy Pill” in the WORLD: Being Around These Two Together ❤

My point is this: life for the most part is beautiful and on most days I have an insatiable appetite for it.  However, certain days can seem down right tough, tough, tough.  There are always curveballs to handle, unexpected expenses to pay, hurdles to get over, but enjoying the little things eases so much of that tension.  It won’t be the same thing for everyone, but whatever it is, use it, embrace it, enjoy it.  Mine just happens to be singing loudly and poorly, cookies and child Spanglish banter… and because of it, despite it all today, I sang, I smiled and I laughed.

  What are your stress relievers?  Go to happy makers?  Let’s hear it!

Secretly Teaching My Daughter to Embrace the Messy/ Beautiful in Life

The other day I had a typical proud MOM moment.  Like the many before this one, I stared at my daughter and thought YEP, she’s a genius!  Luckily for me, I usually get brought back down to reality quick enough that I don’t start calling news agencies and boasting that I have the next Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds in the making.  Yes, my daughter is smart, beautiful and creative but she’s probably not a super genius wiz kid. PROBABLY.

But on this morning I was “Momming” around the house… you know cleaning, picking up and organizing… when I picked up her coloring book to put away.  Flipping back to the front, I noticed she had already gone ham on this new book as the pages were starting to fill quickly.  I immediately noticed a castle outline with coloring already in the works… and it was, for a 2 year old girl, AMAZING.  I was stunned at how inside the lines she was and how she had even started a pattern for the colors.  So impressed in fact, that I asked Abasi if it was his work, which thankfully it was not since he’s 36 and I know he’s got a better coloring game than that!  I couldn’t believe it… how could a little girl color so well, so neat and so organized?

I mean, she’s 2… wow, right?

 

And almost before I got through the thought in my head, I felt a sudden urge of panic.

Not an uncontrollable, debilitative panic but a small sensation running up my spine telling me to pay attention to something.  I knew immediately what it was.  The drawing was too neat and clean, too put together for a little girl.  I wanted her to go crazy, be messy, have fun with it, not worry about staying inside the lines too much.

And trust me, I would never say this to her… this stays between us.  I will encourage and applaud her drawings, neat or messy.  But I want to make sure she is embracing all the beauty that comes with being a little crazy, a little messy and a little imperfect.  This wasn’t a ground breaking, life shattering turn of events for Kennedy, she will never be the wiser, but now as her Mama, I have a secret mission: to help her embrace the messy and beautiful parts of life.

It’s along the same lines of cheering and clapping when a baby falls down.  They look immediately to your face to determine if this is something they should cry about, be hurt because of.  If you make a happy-big deal about it, they get excited again and keep on moving.  I want to be like that for every little messy part of Kennedy’s life.  Her biggest cheerleader (ugh, yes I said it) for big or small events that go either as planned or not according to plan.  I want her to know that not being perfect IS PERFECT.  She doesn’t have to get straight A’s, never have braces, win every game or keep every hair in it’s place, as long as she is giving it her all.  She can fall down, get up, go out on a limb, cry, wipe her eyes, take chances, fail and then succeed again because THAT is what it is all about in this crazy/ beautiful life.

Some people will get this, others will not.  That’s ok.  For me, I look at that picture and see how well done it was and know she is already on her way to being amazing.  She’s got it in her and I can’t wait to watch her grow and succeed like I know she will.  But I also know from my own experiences, that it’s not always about drawing inside the lines.  Doing something crazy, taking chances and making mistakes is how we learn and grow.  Some days we will be a perfectly colored castle and other days we will be a Jackson Pollock piece of art… and that is beautiful.

 

To The Friends Who Want Me to Stay Still…

Since leaving for college it seems I have been prisoner to explaining my need to go.  17 years old and leaving to another town, another state, hours away had never felt so right.  I wasn’t leaving them I would explain over and over, but simply leaving.  Moving on to a new place, new faces… not a new me, but a different me.

Over the last 10 years I have moved from my small home town to another state and eventually another country, always farther from “home” but closer to finding me.  It has never been about running or hiding or leaving a bad thing.  I am a traveler at heart, a shaker in my soul.  I need to move, I need to feel the change of a new pathway under my feet and the smell the scent of a new garden in the air.  I need to hear the sounds of a new town waking up in the morning and see the lights of a new city finally dim at night.  The adrenaline of feeling outside of my comfort zone is euphoric.  I need to keep going.

Mountain Views in Guatemala.

 

Anyone who travels know this.  Gets this.  Feels this.  Needs this.

Yet every time, without fail, I am accused of abandoning someone.  Questioned, yelled at, cried to, asked to stay.  But I never can.

To my friends that want me to stay still, I simply say… move.  Get in your car first and drive somewhere, anywhere, different.  Feel the wind on your face and the sun on your arm hanging out the window on your drive to no man’s land.  Jump on a plane or a train or a bus, who cares… just let it take you somewhere different.  Unknown.  Unfamiliar.  Possibly unplanned.

The moments I have impulsively buckled in for a road trip or jumped on a bus to a random town in Spain have been the most freeing moments of my life.  Navigating through Central America with only a paper map, Abasi and a bottle of tequila for courage has been one of my most rewarding experiences.

Navigating… and lost… in Mexico.

 

In every new body of water I stand reflected in, every new language I immerse myself in or every unknown alley I take, I turn towards a better understanding of myself.  A intimacy hard to explain unless you have stood at a literal crossroads and simply pointed in the direction you wanted to go, unaware of the outcome.

Tarifa, Spain

 

Even now… in paradise… I feel myself itching anxiously to move.  To see, to experience, to feel vulnerable again.

To my friends that want me to stay still, know this: I carry our stories on my journeys and weave your spirits into my experiences.  I do not leave you behind, but carry you beside me into every new cafe or bookstore I venture.  I roam because you have strengthened me enough to feel as if I can venture out and always have a home to return to.

And once you go, explore and return, overflowing with new ideas and tales of adventures you will get it.  Feel it.  You will come back with friends’ names you can barely pronounce whom with you’ve had conversations barely understandable between the barriers of language, yet you will feel FULL.  Alive.  You will feel humbled.  Rich.  But most of all you will finally get that every movement I ever took didn’t take me away from you, simply closer to you in another direction.

Just go.  And then you won’t have to ask me why I can’t stay.

Tarifa, Spain.

Skype Call to Poison Control

The other day I laughed at how crazy life is.  Here I am in one stage of parenting, while my other friends were at various stages of theirs- from first steps to actually giving birth at that very moment.  Life is indeed crazy.

What I didn’t know was that just 2 days later, life would show just HOW crazy it can be.  How incredibly fast life can change.  How I could go from having Kennedy dancing on my feet to “Unchained Melody” in one moment and a mere few hours later, Abasi and I would be Skyping the Poison Control Center in the US about a possible toxic overdose for our daughter.  Life is CRAZY.

Kennedy in bed and Abasi and I settling down to eat our dinner, we thought we had won a  free pass to sleep town.  She hadn’t napped during the day, she was easy to put into bed and now she was quiet. Obviously, too quiet.  We heard a bump, looked into the room and saw Kennedy playing in her room, tube of previously almost full Salicylic Acid nearly empty in her hand. Looking around, we quickly saw it rubbed onto the floor, on some toys and in her hair, but with the tube being so empty… twisted as if to get that very last bit of cream out… we were clearly concerned with ingestion.

So we asked, “Kennedy, did you put this in your mouth?”

“Yes, I tasted it.”

“You put it in your mouth?”

“No, I tasted it.”

Well, that did nothing to ease our concern.  Discussing with a two year old the difference between tasting and swallowing, especially when they can tell they MIGHT have done something wrong, gets you absolutely no where.

Fast forward through a blur of googling, Skyping the Poison Control (who were AMAZING), coming to the conclusion that though Salicylic Acid is essentially aspirin (which is why it’s dangerous for children), the amount she could have possibly ingested was PROBABLY not enough to be toxic, washing her and brushing her teeth, I found myself lying in bed with her, waiting for any kind of reaction.  Never before has living so far from a hospital (an hour and change from a not-so-great-one and 4 HOURS from a great one) seemed so scary and suffocating.  She did have 2 slight “symptoms” according to the various sights we read, but all in all seemed energetic and fine.

As she fell asleep, I put her face close to mine and said “I need you forever Kennedy.  You can’t go anywhere.”

Her response?  She put her tiny little hands on either side of my face and said “You’re beautiful Mommy.”

I pretty much just collapsed my face onto hers, needing to be close to her, hating myself for leaving that tube in reach and thanking God for allowing this to not have been as serious as it could have been.

Clearly, I slept with her that night.  Well, more like I laid next to her as she slept, every twitch or cough she had I inspected until I felt sure she was ok.  I woke/ got up at 6am when the sun was coming through the windows, checked her again, kissed her on her forehead and walked to the door to watch her still for another minute or two.

I checked on her another 2 times after that.  Any sound I heard, I jumped out of bed.  The next time I went into see her, she was laying in bed awake and laughing.  Again, I fell into her bed and kissed her.

So many things can and DO happen in the blink of an eye, and this time we got away with it.  I left something in reach and it could have been a lot worse.  I could have made a mistake that I would never forgive myself for.  As I’ve said before, I’m not perfect, but I’ll be damned if I don’t learn from my mistakes and appreciate the things that do go our way.

Clearly, alls well that ends well.  We are back to the normal morning routine of coffee, juice, cartoons and her newest obsession of begging for chocolate. It was a wake up call, but in the end not serious. We were lucky.  We ARE lucky.

Life is crazy.

 

My Little Girl’s Gentle Soul: Nature vs Nurture

To say that my daughter surprises and inspires me daily is an understatement.  The obvious humor Kennedy possesses is nothing compared to the gentle soul that frequently expresses empathy for others.  I have seen my 2 year old care more for other human beings than some grown folk.  By 1 years old she was rubbing the backs of older children who were crying, obvious to their sadness.  As her age progressed, so did her awareness of situations with pain and sadness, leaving her to cry at sad songs in movies… obviously my child with that one.  She just gets it.

Today I stood in awe from the doorway as I watched my tiny little human, the best thing I have ever created, line her animals and dollies up on the bed to sleep, whisper in their ear and kiss them on their heads.  Kennedy beams beautiful from the inside out.  She has grace that I cannot explain and question if I can even take credit for.

Of course there are moments when the terrible twos rage their screaming, belligerent heads.  Moments where she looses all human like qualities and simply flails on the ground like a sea creature out of water.  Oh yes, my darling daughter does that also.  But I feel like those moments only help to show the stark contrast that is her soft and gentle nature.

How did this happen?  Is it simply who she is or a direct result of our obvious award winning and glorious parenting?  Though I obviously kid about the next-to-Godly job I am doing parenting, I do pray that my daughter’s kindness comes at least in part from her interactions with Abasi and I.  “Dear God, please allow Abasi and I to continue being the very best parents we can” is a nightly prayer.  I only want to do the VERY best I possibly can do for her… nothing more, nothing less.

Hopefully it is a combination though.  Hopefully Kennedy’s born nature is working in peaceful unity with the examples she sees not only from Abasi and I, but from her family, friends and surroundings.  The simple nature that is our life here in Costa Rica hopefully lends Kennedy to feeling less of the hustle and bustle stress of an over-stimulated world.  I certainly have moments that are not in my finest hour, when the stress of the day erupts after washing the 100th plate of the day and the dirty dish water splashes up into my face and over on the floor, leaving me howling out the kitchen window like a crazed wolf.  Oh yes, picture it.  These moments I would rather prefer her NOT to note for later use.

The moments like today only inspire me to snip my loose ends and tighten up my game.  Not because I am trying to be perfect and act like I don’t loose my cool or have moments of being incredibly overwhelmed.  I want to simply mirror the beauty that I see in my daughter.  If she can learn from my nurture, then why can I not learn from hers?

And if this is the result- this small, beautiful, bundle of empathy, humor and grace than I am humbled, truly humbled, to be her mother, her teacher and her student.