In recent days, I have been sick, I have been stressed and I have been hand feeding a very ill dog. My energy is zapped, my body craves relief and most of all my heart is breaking at the thought that we might lose our 2nd and final dog in a 3 month span of losing Gemini.
Upon walking out of the vet’s office, leaving my dog behind for more tests, I was overcome with emotion. I got in my car and cried. I drove and I cried. I just cried. I can’t lose Bentley too, not so soon after his mom and not at 7 years old when a dog is supposed to still be healthy. Ironically, he probably has more attention and care taking then ever before because it’s just him now… yet he is sick, skinny and we can’t figure out why. Maybe his heart is breaking too.
I drove to the beach because I didn’t know where else to go. I felt drawn to the waves, into the ocean for relief. Like a robot I stripped to my bathing suit, tossed my clothes aside and walked into the water. I stood for a moment just looking out, taking in the beauty and majesty of the coast.
For anyone who knows me well, I have a sexy game of love/ hate with the water. I both fear it’s vastness and beg to be in it. But going out too far, by myself, has always been a fear, yet today I was compelled. I walked farther and farther until I surrendered, crashing down under the water, taking in all of the cold and exhilarating feelings that come with the first dip.
Bursting back through the water and into the warm, sun-filled air, I continued swimming further out. Ironically the deeper I went into the water, the higher I got, now standing on a sand bar quite far from main land. I stood up on it, looked around and felt the opposite of what I had expected. I thought that standing so far out and away would make me feel alone, but instead I felt surrounded. I felt surrounded with beauty and awe and love. In front of me was a vast ocean, to my left high mountains, to the right my town I have come to know and love, behind me, my refuge, the land, below me clear waters and above me the heavens. I felt safe. I kept going.
I walked past the sand bar, into deeper water and began swimming through all of the crashing white water produced from the waves. I dove through every one, allowing them to crash angrily over top of me and kept going. When I got through the sets, now deeper than normally comfortable, I was in calm waters. The ocean was flat, save for the occasional, yet large wave, but with the new perspective I was able to simply swim under the waves before they crashed, coming back up again to calm seas.
I don’t know what pulled me into the water this morning. Quite honestly, I almost decided not to go because I didn’t want to wash my hair later, if you can believe it. But I was summoned. I was told to go. To go deep into the water, feel surrounded by the universe and to be renewed. I NEEDED TO GO.
I started to have all of these crazy thoughts rushing into my head, little whispers of strength and acceptance. Something was telling me that life was just like this experience. I had to go farther than I was comfortable to be literally lifted up and surrounded in clear waters. I had to crash through the rough waves to get to a point where I could maneuver with ease around the big waves or life’s obstacles to calmer times. I felt saved in that very moment, bobbing with the water, soaking in everything around me and everything so far from me.
Walking out of the water doesn’t mean that my stresses go away or that magically my dog isn’t sick anymore. But walking out of that water I felt renewed, refreshed, strengthened and ready to take on another day. Another day of whatever comes crashing towards me. I am putting myself out there to trust the universe and God and whatever else I have watching over me, that if I swim far enough, I will be able to handle the big waves with ease, stand in clearer waters and never feel alone even when I’m standing so far out.
Do You Have a Jungle Princess? 